Celebrity Gossip
As jaded as I am, there are times when I actually feel sorry for Britney Spears. The cameras always following her. Jackass bloggers taking cracks at her bikini belly (here and here). It gets to you. But then I quickly snapped out of it when I came across this video on TMZ today, and she's freaking EATING IT UP. The only way Britney'd be happier is if they were all covered in butterscotch, or, okay, let's be realistic: threw baby back ribs at her. Video after the jump.Photos: Bauer-Griffin, INFdaily.com
Admittedly, I give Us Weekly a lot of shit, but every once in a while they come across an exclusive that knocks my socks (and pants) off. This time the crack reporters have the inside scoop on Christina Aguilera's bra size. I tried to beat them to the punch, but Xtina's team took evasive action - by sending Jordan Bratman out to talk to me for five hours about why Kyle Raynor is just as cool as Hal Jordan. (Note: He's not. Please kill me.) Anyway, here's the exclusive details on Christina's jug straps:In the interview, she also finally addresses the famous growth in her chest that came from breastfeeding.
Other things that Jordan Bratman is amazed by: 1. A real live girl actually touched his ding-dong - and he didn't get cooties. 2. Guillermo Del Toro is directing the Hobbit ZOMG!! 3. That magic lamp he found did have a genie it. Sure, the third wish yielded him a bride, but he regrets wasting his first two wishes on a working Batmobile and a pristine copy of Action Comics #1 - which he foolishly had Dean Cain sign in a Starbucks. Smooth move, Ex Lax!
"It's kind of hilarious! I've never fit into an E-cup before," she tells Us. "I look at my husband and go, 'Guess what size this bra is?' And when I tell him, he's just amazed. We keep the tags that prove it, to look back for memory's sake!"Photos: Splash News
Dear Ms. Stone, If you have inside information that proves it's actually 1992 and not 2008, kindly forward it to my immediate attention. In the meantime, I'm gonna have to ask you to put those things away. Yeah, you're at Cannes - Woo-hoo! But, please, don't make me unleash the Jean-Claude on you. The man can still kick pretty high after he takes his blood thinner and enjoys a warm breakfast of Quaker Oatmeal. (I'll safely assume you're enlightened on the importance of regularity.) In closing, thanks for all the boners when I was in junior high and always had to go to the chalkboard. Finally, I had something to complement the acne. C'est la vie! The Superficial WriterPhotos: Bauer-Griffin
Chances are you've heard the reports that Shania Twain's 14 year marriage to producer Mutt Lange is in the crapper. Turns out ol' Mutt has been seeing another woman, if that's what you want to call the thing standing next to Shania. (I'm going with "Jabberwocky.") If that's not enough, the lady in question Marie-Anne Thiebaud was also a close friend/employee of Shania, according to People:"Mutt and Marie-Anne left their spouses for each other and are still in a relationship," says one source, adding that the Swiss employee was a fixture in the household Twain, 42, and Lange, 59, shared with their son, 6-year-old Eja D?Angelo.
Wait, that Marie-Anne chick is only 37 yet looks like 42-year-old Shania Twain's mother? That God is one funny bastard. But, seriously, does draft beer and comic books shoot out of her ears during sex? Because, otherwise, I'm at a total loss here. Or, wait, is Mutt Lange blind? That's it isn't it? Dude's blind. BAM! I should solve crimes.
"Their two families would vacation and spend holidays together," says the source. "Shania considered Marie-Anne one of her best friends."Photos: People, Splash News
Denise Richards is doing the best she can to promote her new reality show Denise Richards: It's Complicated but not really, I mean, c'mon, I'm Denise Richards. I once ate a button - yesterday. She's been on Larry King Live, The Today Show and The View (video after the jump) and has resorted to telling people she can't support her children unless she does the show. Interesting, considering Charlie Sheen pays her $52,000 a month in child support - that cheap bastard! But that's not all. There's alimony! Yay, marriage rocks. Page Six has the rundown:"Denise gets $52,000 a month tax-free in child support," a Sheen insider fumed. "Most people in America can figure out how to live on that, but Denise can't?" In addition to the child support, Richards got $60,000 a month (also tax-free) for two years in alimony - adding up to a whopping $1.44 million. Richards also gets a chunk of Sheen's hot sitcom, "Two and a Half Men," which "eventually will net her up to $25 million," the source said.
In Dr. Christmas Jones' defense, people don't know hard it is to live with that kind of money. I mean, everyday you're faced with the decision to either A.) bathe in a tub full of rare African blood diamonds or B.) hunt man - the most dangerous game of them all. These are tough choices that, Thank God, I don't ever have to worry about while I'm siphoning gas out of The Geekologie Writer's car. Ha ha, tastes like apple giraffe. I swallowed a little. JUMANJI!Photos: Splash News
Jessica Simpson headed off to Mexico with her mom and dad after Ashlee's weekend wedding. Fortunately, the paparazzi followed her and managed to catch Jessica, I do not shitteth upon thee, giving herself a breast exam and chilling in a bikini. On the flip-side, these pics are a little grainy, so you'll have to use your imagination like I am. Right now Jessica Simpson is covering her ample bosom with suntan lotion while Snarf from ThunderCats watches. And, oh, hey, here comes Ariel the Little Mermaid with some pudding. Ha ha! I smell food fight. Snarf, that'd be your cue to leave. This is man business.Photos: Flynet
Jesus! I thought these two only came out on holidays. Great, now it looks like Heidi and Spencer will mug like retarded sea-monkeys at any event. Even more disturbing is that it appears to be Bat Day and yet somehow they walked out with all their hair, teeth and limbs attached. I gotta ask: Dodger fans, why do you hate America so much? Thanks to Tina who saw these two and swung for the fences. And by fences I mean Heidi's chin.Photos: www.pacificcoastnewsonline.com
Britney Spears' dad Jamie Spears gave up his private catering career to wrangle in his daughter's crazy. He decided to pay himself (from Britney's estate) $10,000 for lost wages. I can't remember the last time I saw her vagina, so, shit, why not make a mil? The dude earned it. The Sun reports:The court papers said: "As a result of the responsibilities Mr Spears has assumed as Temporary Conservator of the Person and Temporary Co-Conservator of the Estate, he has been unable to continue his prior employment and thus no longer has the source of income he previously had in order to pay his expenses and bills."
I added pics of Britney going out to eat last night after returning from her reign of terror in Costa Rica. Mostly because they're new and, also, I get a lot of e-mails asking for posts that make readers feel like "a chicken wing on the buffet at Bonanza." What can I say? I'm a giver.Photos: Splash News
Because I'm so awesome, I just now caught wind of the Harrison Ford PSA where he waxes his chest to stop deforestation. No foolin', video after the jump. Since we're on the subject of Captain Solo himself, I'm increasingly excited to check out the new Indiana Jones flick. George Lucas revisiting a classic franchise? How do you mess that up? In the meantime, I need to start bronzing my abs. You know, to, uh, save the penguins. Yeah, those things. Eggbins.Photos: Splash News
Denise Richards may be a walking amalgamation of dumb, but she knows where to find sperm. During her divorce from Charlie Sheen, he claimed that Denise e-mailed him asking for sample of his Hot Shots. In a blatant effort to promote her new reality show Denise Richards: It's Complicated, she stopped by The Today Show this morning (video after the jump) and dusted off the old e-mail rumor by questioning its authenticy. Fun fact: Denise Richards can neither say nor spell any of the words in that last sentence:That e-mail is not legitimate. It's a doctored e-mail. I would never send an e-mail to his girlfriend, and, at the time of that e-mail, I was with Richie. If I wanted anybody's sperm, I'd have asked for Richie's."
To which Richie Sambora replied: "I've got sperm?" Then he drunkenly drove his kids to school only to wind up in Mexico instead. But, I mean really, what's more educational than tequila shooters? The answer: Jagerbombs. Ha ha, I love learning.Photos: Splash News
Joe Simpson is a friggin' genius. Not only does he sell photo rights of his daughter's wedding to People, but also of Jessica Simpson drunk as shit at the reception - which makes the cover. Awww. Ashlee's wedding really was a magical princess fairy tale dream come true. For Joe Simpson. Except that part where his little girl married some asshat, whats-his-name? Right, Chins Magoo.
Photo: People
Jessica Alba's own brother, Josh Alba, didn't even know his sister got married. In fact, he seemed quite stunned he even had a sister. That's odd. If Jessica Alba were my sister, I'd be more stunned by how oftenI drilled a hole in the shower wallrespected the boundaries and social mores of the time. Us Weekly reports:"My sister!? I'm going to have to call her!" Josh Alba said when Us Weekly alerted him to the news Tuesday.
Us Weekly, you guys are aces. Way to A.) tell a man he's not invited to his own sister's wedding while B.) essentially calling his new brother in law a dick. I mean, couldn't you at least slipped it in there that Jessica Alba has the acting ability of a bowl of soup? Yeesh. Talk about sloppy reporting.
When asked if Warren will make a good husband, Josh told Us "Well, he's my brother in law now!"Photos: Splash News
Hayden Panettiere freakin' loves those sea creatures. So much so that she's auctioning off a VIP whale-watching trip with you, her and five of your closest friends (Interesting number choice...). The auctions are a joint effort with Hayden's new social networking site Zude and The Whaleman Foundation. Here's the details straight from the eBay itself:You and up to 5 guests will join Hayden Panettiere at a Save the Whales Again! fundraising dinner hosted at the famous Hollywood restaurant Beso, owned by Eva Longoria.
Apparently, you can also bid on Hayden's clothes that she wore in her Candies' ad campaign. Wait, items actually worn by Save the Cheerleader?! *digs gun out of desk* Hey, Geekologie Writer, I'm going to need to borrow your wallet. All of your wallet. *opens it up* Hmm... Monopoly money and a picture of LEGO Princess Leia covered in fondant. Fantastic. So, is it illegal if I give your wallet back but still shoot you? Because I see that in your future. Huge thanks to Jim over at Knightime Studios. The dude's artistic talent is exceeded only by his talent of telling me how to buy my own Hayden Panettiere. And outfits to go with it! Score!
The following week you?ll board Condor Cruises? Condor Express with 5 of your friends for lunch and a whale watching tour off the coast of Santa Barbara, California, through the Channel Islands, to witness some of the most spectacular whale feeding grounds and have the chance to see the ever-elusive Blue Whale.
The total package also includes hobnobbing over drinks and dinner at Beso, photo opportunities with Hayden, $1000 American Express® gift card and a private whale watching tour with Hayden and Jeff Pantukhoff, world-renowned whale researcher, marine life filmmaker and founder of The Whaleman Foundation.Photos: eBay, Splash News
Kelly Brook has reunited with Billy Zane after dumping him then getting super jealous when he started dating someone else. True story, according to News of the World:They kept the break-up secret for two months and remained friends, with Billy even telling her about his new love. Gradually, she realised she wanted him back and set about wooing him over a series of long-distance phone calls to South Africa, where Billy has been filming new movie Surviving Evil.
Okay, first, yes, I incorrectly reported that Billy dumped Kelly. Why I would think a man of that baldness would dump a girl of such boobness is beyond me. I blame the drink. Anyway, can you imagine being wooed by Kelly Brook? The girl thinks sex is an aerobic activity. What does she do for wooing? I bet it's something really awesome. Like baking cookies or taking pictures of herself playing Mario Kart naked. Holy shit, hottest sentence I've ever written! This one's going on the fridge....
Pals are shocked by her decision though. The source added: "Kelly could have any man in the world. She's panicked but we feel she should have moved on. It's clear he had."Photos: News of the World
MAY 2008 WINNER: THE SUPERFICIAL KICKASS DAME OF THE MONTH
Chances are pretty high you've never heard of comedian Lisa Nova - until now! Wired.com's awesomely named blog The Underwire stumbled across Lisa and her quest for YouTube dominance (video after the jump). It's a touching tale of perseverance, the human spirit and, forget all that stuff, boobies!:
YouTube comedian LisaNova is waging an online war against the pageview-hogging, cleavage-heavy thumbnails that have become so popular on YouTube videos. Her not-so-secret weapon: her boobs.
Finally, a woman willing to battle the Hollywood system with nothing but her breasts and a camcorder. Lisa Nova, allow me to present you with the first ever "The Superficial Kickass Dame of the Month" award. You earned this illustrious achievement through a dedication to displaying yams and, okay, making people laugh. But mostly for the yams. Props to Scott for seeing boobs and loving America so much he contacted me. Uncle Sam salutes you!
The comedienne, who's known for the campy characters that landed her a short run on MadTV, is fighting to beat the soft-core porn peddlers at their own game by offering free photos of her breasts and short videos of herself in various disguises. She's put together a scandalous series of downloads: Users can choose from "collabcharacters" that depict LisaNova as a sexy librarian, emo college girl, naughty nurse and more.Photo: LISANOVA LIVE
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